Tuesday, December 29, 2009

On the Criminal Mastermind Lee Douglas

Sorry if you've heard this story 1000 times but I couldn't think of anything else to write this week/month.

Some years ago (Second semester of my Freshman year at OCU) I had a brush with the law. Yes, its true. Mild mannered law student by day, accomplice (ok more like witness) to a devious criminal by night (For the record I have never been accused or convicted of any misdemeanor or felony). A friend of mine was arrested in my presence and later convicted of possession of a firearm and discharging said fire arm within the City limits of the quiet town of Edmond Oklahoma.

Here is the back-story. It was a nice spring day and a few of my friends and I decided it would be a lovely day to go hang out at a park near campus. In this park was a pond. In this pond were ducks. (This will be important shortly.)After hanging out for a hour or so my friend Doug Daniels had the idea to pull out his Red Rider BB gun from his car and mess around. You know the kind. It comes in a box labeled ages 12 and up. (Apparently it should say, 12 and up minus freshmen in college). Now I completely understand that this was one of the dumbest things we could have possibly participated in, but what happens next was beyond what I expected.

After shooting at various signs and trees, Doug and the rest of us were a bit tired and all sat on a hill about 30 to 50 feet away from the pond. If you know anything about a Red Rider BB gun, you know that this is the very limit of the "weapon's" range. So Doug was arching shots at about a 45 degree angle in order to get the BB's to reach the pond. The general goal was to hit the ducks swimming in the pond. I will note for all you animal lovers that Doug did not hit one duck and am supremely confidant that if he had, the duck would not have noticed because the angle of the arch needed to reach the pond was such that there could not have been much velocity left. (Even if we have been at point blank range I doubt the bb gun could do any serious damage but that would just seem cruel).

After complementing Doug on a rather close shot I look to my right and saw a Police officer running toward us with his gun drawn! I told Doug he had a rather urgent need to put the bb gun down. The police officer repeated this request but in a more colorful way. The young officer yelled, "Freeze! Pecker head!" (a phrase I hope he uses often) Doug immediately tossed the rifle to the ground and put his hands up. The officer proceeded to efficiently and a bit roughly turn Doug around face down on the ground a cuff him. Now at this point we were all pretty scared beyond the belief of our innocent upbringing. But I figured we would get chewed out and the bb gun would be taken away. Worst case scenario, I thought Doug would be issued a hefty ticket. However, the officer told us we all needed to leave and we watched over our shoulders as our friend was read his rights and put in the back of the squad car.

We were stunned. We had no idea what to do. After we got back to campus Reece's phone rang (Reece was Doug's roommate) Doug told us what the bail was and gave us all the information we needed to tell his parents. None of us had enough money to bail our friend out of jail so Reece called Doug's parents and let them know what was going on. They lived in Texas and were not very pleased with the situation. They decided they would drive up the next day to post bail. So knowing our friend was going to spend the night in jail we did the only thing we could do. We went to Wall-mart and bought him a plastic butt donut. We also asked if they had any congratulatory cards for friends getting out jail. They did not. (untapped market for any of you enterprising minds)

Later that night we were sitting wide eyed in Doug and Reece's Dorm room debating whether Doug was tough enough to withstand a night in Jail. When my roommate called me and told me to quickly turn on the television and watch NBC's local news station. The lead story. Lee Douglas. The duck slayer. The smug field reporter was on location at the park. He began. "Duck season is months away but one sharp shooter couldn't wait." He preceded to tell the sorted tail with apparently made up details. "Lee Douglas a student at a local university took a pellet gun and stood in this general area" (It was not that general area.) "and shot at the ducks swimming unsuspectingly in the pond. The local community is outraged." It cut to a lady and a her son who were at the park, and clearly had just been told about the incident from the anchor man. She stated, "I don't know why anyone would want to hurt the ducks. We just come here and feed the duck krispy cream donuts" (Krispy Cream donuts?! only in Edmond Oklahoma.) I ask you dear reader who is the criminal master mind here? The man who he passively tries to shoot ducks unsuccessfully or the women who tries to fatten those ducks up with expensive donuts who clearly means to return later to make Fois Gras. (a fancy duck dish comprised of a duck who has been overly fed)
Anyway, I digress. To sum up: Worst news report ever.

Doug returned to us the next day. I will note he did not need the butt donut. The judge who was first assigned to his case was quoted as saying, "this could be the next timothy McVeigh." This is in Oklahoma mind you. Doug's lawyer shrewdly was able to change judges. The new judge laughed at the case on the bench and said time served. Ducks will never be safe again.


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

On Harry Potter

After graduating from Oklahoma Christian University a few friends of mine decided to take up the sport of golf. We thought we had entered into a new world of the elite. Young, soon to be rich (or so we hoped) and full of care free joy. Golf represented a quest to sell out as quickly as possible. The old cliche says, Pride goes before the fall (is that in the Bible? I probably shouldn't call it a cliche if its in the Bible.)

My "fall" occurred on an auspicious day when I triumphantly returned to Oklahoma and my then 5 month old pass time, golf. That cool fall morning Elizabeth had gone shopping with her friend while Reece and I, who were perhaps a bit hung over, decided on a refreshing 9 holes to start our day (he had moved into an apartment complex that had its own golf course). The full 9 holes would not be played that day.

The 3rd hole brought no unusual occurrences at first. I drove well, down the center (ok that's a little unusual) and Reeces ball landed somewhat to the left. I was toward the end of the fairway and didn't have far too go before I hit onto the green. There was, of course, one obstacle that I had foreseen and one that I had not. The obstacle I was aware of and worried about was the water that flowed lazily between me and par. The unthought of obstacle was the cart path that lay just about a foot in front of my ball. A ball, I might add, that was quite hard. I swung my club with neanderthal strength. It connected with the Ball. Instantaneously, a flash bomb went off in my head.

Totally and utterly confused I saw Reece running toward me repeatedly yelling, "are you ok? are you ok?"

I replied, "My head hurts a little bit." (understatement is fun even when you have a concussion).

I felt the place where ball had made contact. I pulled my hand back to see that it was now covered in blood. I looked down at the ground there was splatter. The hot liquid continued to run down my face. Reece asked if I was going to pass out. I didn't think so. But I was pretty confused. I told him I didn't have health insurance (so much for the wealth). We covered my bloody head with my shirt (which incidental had Arabic writing on it from a Model Arab League competition I had once attended) We found my Ball it had cleared the Water. That's right. The ball had struck the corner of the cart path, bounced up, struck my forehead and went across the hazard only to land in the rough to the right of the green. I still have the scar on my forehead. It defiantly declares without my permission, "golf is not my sport." But on the bright side I can dress up like a giant Harry Potter for Halloween.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Upon losing all faith in humanity

Recently I was stopped at a red light with Elizabeth. At the intersection there was quite a bit of construction so that the lane to my right was closed. This presented a mild difficulty for the people turning left onto the road which I was traveling on. Apparently so much so that instead of turning into the correct place they actually turned in the turn lane going in the opposite direction. Whats amazing is that they didn't actually realize there mistake until they were face to face with an oncoming car and nowhere to turn because to their left were cones and to their right was torn up concrete. Beyond that torn up concrete (and just a single lane further to their right) was the correct westbound lane. What is particularly amazing to me about this is that not 1 but 2 other cars followed the first guy into the incorrect lane. This is about when I discovered that humans are lemmings. I really wish I could have witnessed how this situation resolved itself but alas my light was green and I too had to blindly follow the car in front of me. My leader did not go off any cliffs (continuing with the lemming metaphor) but he did have a delightful bumper sticker which stated plainly and defiantly, "what the f*ck are you looking at."


Now I haven't actually lost all faith in humanity. But really. Not a great showing lately guys. (lets segway into a pep talk for humanity)... just kidding... but seriously. Maybe something like, "lets get out there and shows those condescending squirrels what we've got. With their judgmental little eyes and their tree top homes. Well we have it pretty good too squirrels . . . heh (indecipherable grumbles) squirrels . . . . "

This post has taken a turn for the weird and with that I am done.



Thursday, October 22, 2009

Another Vintage Post

I couldn't think of anything very funny to write so here is an old post from the old blog.

Wendy's Drive Through
After I got off work the other day I was quite hungry so before I headed over to the hotel which my mom and little bro were (they were stopping in for the night on their way back from enrollment at Baylor) I went across the street to Wendy's. I ordered, casually, a number 6 combo meal. (thats the spicy chicken sandwich and it is Delish!) The total came to 5 dollars and 30 cents (the numbers are rounded to protect the innocent and because I don't remember exactly how much it was accept that it was over 25 cents which is part of my story so I will continue) anyway when I pulled up to the first window where you pay, (because just one window to pay and recieve your food is just to much for me to handle) I handed the cashier, who was a long haired freckaled faced boy of about 17 years of age, a 5 dollar bill and 50 cents, However the freckaled one dropped my fifty cents! I was about the open my car door to try and retrieve the lost coinage when he said:

"Wait! I'll Get It!!!"

I was a little puzzled at his respose because he was in the building and me being outside.
But then he proceded to crawl outside the drive through window! And as he landed inbetween the ediface and my car (which he was uncomfortably close to by the way) he plainly stated:

"Its Magic!"

He dissapeared for a moment and remerged triumphantly with only one of the quarters and held it up proudly to show me and crawled back inside the wendy's. I was to surprised by the entire situation to object when he told me I was short a few cents and I just retrieved and few more coins from my pocket and proceded to the next window.



Thursday, October 15, 2009

Have you met Matt?

It's been brought to my attention that I bear certain similarities to the character Marshall on the TV program "How I Met Your Mother." This guy has been with his now wife since freshmen year of college, is a law student (or was at the beginning of the show), is 6'4" and is generally hilarious much like myself (ok Jason Segal is alot more funny than me.)
As a result I have watched several episodes of the show and enjoyed them thoroughly. And has actually resulted in a humorous situation in real life which I will now relate to you dear reader. (who is in all probability only Elizabeth). About a week ago Liz was out of town so I went down to Manhattan to hang out with my brother Matt and some other friends. We went to a bar to grab a few drinks. Matt mentioned that there were a two girls he found attractive. I told him that he should go talk to them. We discussed the best way for his approach but we couldn't decide. Clearly, I had to take matters into my own hands. So as they walked by I tapped one on the shoulder and said, "have you met Matt?" Matt acted cool and was all like, "what? what's with this guy." and ended up talking to them for a while. I ducked out and went and sat at a table. (You might now be wondering how this relates to How I met your Mother. well if you don't know I'm not gonna help you. I know its bad story telling but that's how its going.) A few minutes later Matt came over to our table and we asked if he had gotten their number. He hadn't. We gave him a pretty hard time but before we left he remedied the situation.

Good job Matt. You made me so proud.



Wednesday, October 7, 2009

On the television

I recently saw a show with my wife on the cable tv network VH1. This show is known as "Tool Academy". If you haven't seen this show let me sum it up for you. Its Jerry Springer meets Survivor. Crazy people are getting voted off the show. When the "tool" gets kicked off the show the host says, "I'm sorry your just a tool." This is pretty funny to me. And clearly is the pay off for watching a show in which its fueled by hatred for all the contestants on the show. YES I spent 30 minutes watching idiots and then at the end one of them is called a TOOL! One thing thats been nice is that watching it with my wife has some advantages. Next to these guys not only do I look like a genius, I am also the nicest guy in the world. I have never over turned tables and tackled people for... (well im not quite sure why that guy did those things.)All and all its pretty much a total waste of time. Which leads me to my next question. WHY AM I WATCHING IT!!! I cannot really answer that question. I don't even have that much free time (being in law school and all) but I have seen parts of several episodes. The only good thing about watching it is then I get the jokes the Soup (another tv show) makes about it. (sigh) TV wastes my life. I should probably spend all my time complaining about it on the computer...



Tuesday, September 29, 2009

On past battles

Here's a post from my old blog I had in undergrad. I would still post there but I forgot my password...

concerning chicken ducks
Imagine a chicken. Make its bill slightly longer and its head slightly bigger. Make that chicken slightly longer. Now give the chicken a really butt ugly head which is white speckled with black and feathers flailing in every direction like a lion's main. And still further make the chickens feat webbed but it still has the claws. Now make that hideous beast fearless. Once you imagine all these things you will have a good idea what is plaguing my romantic walks with my girlfriend. Yes, Chicken ducks. They are straight from hell. I'm fairly certain the retirement home near the pond where the chicken ducks dwell has been breading them in order to scare some of the old people to death so that they have more space. (that's pretty terrible I know, but a creature this grotesque has to be bread for some evil purpose). Every time Liz and I walk by this pond we usually sit and share a genuinely romantic moment together, but not since the chicken ducks came. These Chicken ducks will fly up right onto this wooden deck about a foot from my face where we are sitting. Then it starts its evil purpose of trying to scare me to death by peering deep into my eyes with its lifeless cold red eyes(however I am not old and I don't die, but I do feel an icy cold feeling deep in my soul that must be part of me dieing). So I feel we must leave and take our romantic getaway elsewhere. But then it flys and sits in the middle of the sidewalk directly in our way. So there I am facing down a demon straight from hell. I knew it was him or me. So I ran straight for it. There on the chill afternoon I ran full force all 230 pounds 6'5" of me ready to crush the evil of this chicken duck. But it didn't move just calmly and coldly stared with an deadly smirk like it knew if I struck it down he would become more powerful then I could ever imagine (shameless star wars reference). So a foot before these two cosmic forces collided I stopped...THE CHICKEN DUCK HAD CALLED MY BLUFF. Never play chicken with a chicken duck. So I looked more moronic then I ever had before in my life (and that's saying alot) the chicken duck had won. So I positioned myself between the chicken duck and liz and walked around with my head held low and the stench of shame in my nostrils (although it prolly was just the chicken duck). The chicken duck knew he had beaten me. He clucked with pride. but deep down I think he knew, like all evil villains know, I would eventually win.......



Wednesday, September 23, 2009

2nd year

It has been quite a while since my last post. I've been pretty darn busy. I just started my 2nd year of law school. So far its been pretty redonkulously busy. (The expression not the flower. Yes redonkulous is a flower. Google that shit. I don't actually know how its spelled but the condescending google "did you mean" ought to help.)I am taking 13 hours of normal classes most of which are overlapping at a mind numbing pace. I'm now an expert on procedural due process. (that's as boring as it sounds). Going back to school always makes me feel like Harry Potter. Especially in law school when people sometimes say "1st year" or "2nd year."

I am also taking 2 hours of credit for an internship at the district court. That has been fairly interesting. I am not actually allowed to talk about the details of my work (a fact which I love).I think I can actually do this stuff. Which is important because ready or not in less than two years I will have to. Or I could always go back to waiting tables. I don't think my wife would like that idea very much.



Thursday, July 23, 2009

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Car Trouble, Ignorance, and a Thunderstorm in the sun

My poor car is broken. Whats worse is that I have no money to fix it. The inarticulate mechanic said, "I ain't gonna sugar coat it for ya"

"Ok hit me"

"The timing chain is busted" (waits for some sort of gasp or recognition of what that means)

"oh... yeah... that's what I figured."

"And you know that busts up the head." (I think he must mean head gasket? I don't know)

"the car's head?"

"yeah we might have to find you a new engine." (shit)

"well, let me know when you have an estimate together."

Then he proceeds to more technically explain all of the effects and details on my "broke" engine. My mind begins to wander. I am in law school. I am fairly intelligent. This man who sounds like Barney Fife knows more about the inner workings of cars then I could ever hope to. I really dislike feeling that ignorant about something. Oh well. A modern economy at work. The worst part is I feel that they kinda think I'm worthless for not knowing such things I want to yell. "COMPARATIVE ADVANTAGE, COMPARATIVE ADVANTAGE!!! READ ADAM SMITH!"

In another interesting happening I witnessed a Thunderstorm outside while I could still see the sun. Very weird. I mostly just wanted to include in my title "A Thunderstorm in the Sun." Like maybe a crazy sequel to a raisin in the sun. Anyway I hope you all have had a better week than I.



Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Crazy hindu dude from my childhood has re-emerged

When I was about in Jr. High my older brother and I began to notice a bright red mustang with chrome trim and leopard print chairs. Also accoutrement with a giant monogram ed galloping horse (the ever present literary sexual symbolism is not lost on me)and large fuzzy dice hanging like described in Cake's the Race car ya ya's. Driving this magnificent motorized stead was a foreign fellow with a killer mullet and shades. Joey and I thought the man looked Indian. And lovingly referred to this harbinger of happenin car accessories as "crazy Hindu dude." (yes I realize that not all people from India are Hindu but perhaps my middle school self did not).

You may now, my dear reader, be wondering why I am telling you this tale of the crazy hindu dude. Because the crazy hindu dude has resurfaced almost a decade later! He goes to my gym. I have been working out on a fairly regular basis and have been pleased to re discover this guy. His car is still in pristine form and has added a Philipino flag. So he appears not to be Indian or hindu but Philipino. I am not aware of what particular religion dominates in the Philippines so I won't presumed to call him crazy budhist dude or crazy christian dude or anything. I am pleased to report that he is still sporting the killer mullet and is fond of basketball. As I was exiting the gym I saw him spinning a basketball on his finger and looked directly at me as if to say, "yeah, I'm crazy hindu dude from your past. and I haven't changed a bit. I'm keeping real. Spinning basketball's on my fingers and rockin the mullet. I'm a high fivin, mustang drivin, mullet man. In yo face, Mike!"


Character Education

Thursday, June 25, 2009


my wife read my post and couldn't get past all of my grammatical and spelling mistakes... this makes me sad. Plus I feel useless at work right now and when I post links the html stopped working.....AARHG.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Guys in biker clothes

I had a very eventfull trip on my way back from Oklahoma.

First: I caught the flu. That isn't very much fun and is even more not very much fun when you are not home and sleeping on an air mattress in your in laws front office. I blame my wife. She wanted to stay at her parents for a day longer, but because of work stuff we had planned on leaving early friday. However, friday came and I woke up to an unpleasant surprize. (I won't gross you out with the details.) I say I blame my wife because she later admitted to praying late Thursday night that she somehow be able to stay home more day. Yes, thats right, Liz smote me with the flu. Still being determined I still actually packed the bags into the car, however that single act made me so tired I almost face planted on the pavement. I figured maybe its time to sit for a second. Then it was time to run to the bathroom again. Then it was time to admit I was not going to be able to ride in a car for any amount of time that day.

Second: The next day I was actually feeling almost 100% better. (this is further evidence of the smoting). No fever, no... other symtoms of the flu. So we left around 10:30. We stopped in Edmond, a variable clavacade of chain shopping centers and starbuxii (plural form of starbuck's). In the particular establishment we stopped at there was a rather rambunctious group of 40 to 50 year old bikers and their ladies. I am not talking about the leather wearing kind of bikers I am talking about the spandex wearing, lance armstrong admirering bycicling enthuesiest who aparently have little shame. What made me laugh about them is how obviously, proud they were about their biking outfits. It was a specticle. There was one guy with them who wasnt wearing the spandex. He was obviously the uncool one of the group who desprately wanted to be as cool as his buddies who had matching red suits. The thing that cracked me up most is the two matching guys as they were leaving fist bumped eachother and said "good ride" and then they all got in SUV's and left. I guess the biking wasn't for the environment as much as for the purpose of wearing spandex in public. I also wondered if they went and got there wives why couldnt they have changed was that they did not so disturbingly display they 50 year old douchy butts. Oh well. I obviously spent the whole time staring at them. And immediately fist bumped my wife and told her good ride.

Third: I blew a tire about 70 miles south of Topeka. It pretty much exploded the wheel well and plastic was everywhere. luckilly I didnt have any problem pulling over despite the sudden feeling I was about to die. We had to wait about an hour for the tow truck but it was actually not to bad. It was a nice day and we were in a hilly region of KS. So other than the bug bites not a terrible occurance, other than the expense.

That is all


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Cities and school districts in colorado

There are a number of cities and school districts
They spit an roll and sprawl around mountains bottoms
I do not know where I am going with this thought

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Goin to OKC

So far this summer has been remarkably uneventful. Liz works and I sit at home reading and going to the gym. But that is all about to change. For a week... On friday we are going to OKC to hang out with Mike Harris and his bride to be Dacia. Should be alot of fun.

In the mean time I am house sitting for my parents who are in florida. (Yes I have reached the age where my parents go on vacation without me. Its pretty sad. Whats even more sad is that my little brother reached that age at the same time I did. In observing my family and other I believe that younger siblings end up haveing very different experiences growing up. They become an afterthought which in some cases alows them to get away with more and in other leaves them out of alot of stuff. I think this tends to make younger siblings more creative and often pretty funny). So I have to feed my cat. Which is pretty old and nasty these days. It has arthritis and cannot clean itself which makes its hair pretty nasty. And their is nothing quite as pathetic as a nasty oily sticky cat. Its sole function is to provide something soft and cuddely to love and that function is now lost on my parents one eyed beast. Its also a very nurotic cat. It only drinks from bathtub fawcets. which is very wierd. Oh well. This has been a rather boring post. I am gonna try and recall some amusing stories that have happened to me since my last blog and post those.

Personal Injury Lawyer

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Decemberists, Lawschool and Two years of marriage

I used to blog on a site called notparticularlydeep.blogspot.com, however, I stopped blogging about 3 years ago and I forgot my password and the email address they send it to has been deleted from existence because I graduated from the citedel of christian education known as OC. I graduated and went back to school to be a lawyer. Oh and I am married now and have been for 2 years. I made my wife of one year move to Topeka, Kansas which she affectionately refers to as To-Puke-A. Clever. Everyone really seems to dislike this city but me. I feel like you can really be happy anywhere. But then again I moved back to my hometown so I can really say that for sure.

Liz and I went to a Decemberists concert last night and it was incredible when the queen sang it gave me chills. The only problem was there was this incredibly fat guy who was continually backing up very slowly throughout the concert. So I just started invading his body space as annoyingly as he was mine and he eventually started moving away from me. It was really wierd he started out about 3 feet in front of us and ended up behind us. Oh well what are you gonna do. (invade the fat guys body space thats what)

At anyrate I will post blogs on a semi weekly basis. I hope Doug will read and critique and add delightful comments. mostly I hope I have three readers. Doug, my Wife and Sam. If anyone else reads it you will probably get really bored and stop. I will also periodically post reviews of local businesses and links to those businesses.

Like this : For a Great Topeka Lawyer click the blue text. This is my dad's law firm and if you ever need a good lawyer and I haven't passed the bar yet... he's your guy. (After I pass the bar hire me instead.)