Sunday, March 28, 2010

Upon The Realization that I have no Creativity

I often have trouble keeping my blog updated. My goal is to post about once a week. However, I realize that 100% of my posts involve a funny thing that happened to me or a funny observation. I’m not sure that things worthy of note or comment actually happen to me this often. My days are pretty boring. I go to class. I go to work. I’m not really allowed to discuss work and no one wants to hear about class. (Although I bet I could write a funny blog about my US tax class that is taught by an obnoxious Canadian. Such Irony tickles me to my core.)
So what is a person to do? What I don’t want is the blog to read like a personal diary. Filled with introspection and selfishness (continuing with the theme of irony.) I am afraid it teeters towards diary. I could write about things with no point, a series of observations. I try for my stories to be self contained. Quick conflict with a punchline. Old lady calls me gay. Funny attempt to get a car out of a ditch. Plus my mind wanders so if I don’t have a point I start talking about random stuff. (like how when men are gearing up for a fight they act very strangely. Rather ape like. It seems like they bounce around a bit. Test the waters by invading the opponent’s body space. Increase profanity. Attempt to form intimidating insults without their voice cracking. Poo flinging would not be all that out of place. But I digress.)
I thought I would remedy this by writing a pure fiction. Come up with a character and situation and tell a story. This resulted in total, utter failure. (I will not bore you with the result unless one night I foolishly mix drinking and computer use. This has in the past resulted in writing random messages on Luke Aadalens facebook wall. I know very strange person to drunk-facebook but I made my choice.)
I have also thought about writing short poems. But despite my last blog post I’m not sure my masculinity can afford this blow.
After much thought-pondering (self-reference high five. (Scrubs reference during self reference high five, high five)) at last the remedy has revealed itself. I have some very funny friends. Some of whom may become funny professionally. (funny just like normal. Just more professional.) I think some of you, my funny friends read this. (Mark I’m calling you out and testing you: Text me when you read this.) In the last year all of you have probably had very funny things happen to you. E-mail them to me at I’ll read edit, post and comment. We all can enjoy. Thank you for your time.


Saturday, March 20, 2010

On Little Old German Ladies

On Friday I went to the local store to buy some firewood since it was suppose to snow (Wasn't Saturday the first day of spring? Weather=fail). While I was at the store I picked up a rose fo' my lady. When reaching the check out line a little old German woman who had a full cart insisted in a thick accent that I go in front of her since I only had a rose and some wood (heh, immature joke).

I replied, "are you sure?"

She said, "of course"

Me: "Thanks"

German lady: "My pleasure, and the young lady who is receiving that rose is very lucky." She then paused thoughtfully and added, "or young man."


I replied, "uh thanks... its for my wife. A lady wife...thanks..."

My first thought was, what a remarkably tolerant old German lady. My second, more sobering thought was, I must be giving off a really different vibe than I thought.

Later I was pondering my second thought. (can you ponder a thought? Ugh, redundant. If I wasn't so shocked by an old German lady insinuating I might be gay, I wouldn't be so sloppy.)I think of myself as a kind of masculine guy. I'm 6'5" 245. I like beer. And and... Sports. But if I'm honest I'm not always into the most masculine things anymore. I dig Rufus Wainright, musical theater and I laughed at my wife when she suggested I chop my own wood. (heh). I feel dual pressures. I don't want to be a slob but it's my worst fear to be considered metro...

Ultimately, I think the problem is that there is so little in society that allows men to be men in a positive way. We are either bumbling idiots or effeminate. Well, I refuse to be labeled. I choose be balanced. Intelligent, masculine and Pensive. I can make the immature "wood" jokes, read philosophy, drink a beer, watch a UFC fight and chill out to "cigarettes and chocolate milk" (a rufus song...) I choose to be the Dos Equis Man. End of Blog. (You may chant something masculine if you like. Even the ladies. Especially the tolerant German ones.)


Monday, March 8, 2010

On the Sum of Human knowledge

We live in an age of instant access to infinite amounts of knowledge. There is little you can't learn without two quick seconds on google. Bar debates over beers are now quickly settled by the iphone mediator. So I was wondering how we as humans use this instant resolution of quandaries both great and small. Well, I'm sure more scientific studies have been done but I noticed that google likes to finish my sentences with what I assume are popular searches. These often puzzle me or make me laugh. I will share some of these with you. I will note if you wish to conduct a similar experiment hit the clear button at the bottom of the drop-down list otherwise you will only be engaging in introspection (although not a totally unworthy goal)

These are the first suggestions google has for certain queries:

If you type in "how to r" google finishes your thought with "how to roll a joint"

"How to t" google finishes with "how to tie a tie"

"how to y" google finishes with "how to yodel"

"How to u" = "how to unlock an iphone"

So far the google profile we have created is an inexperienced joint smokin, tie tying, yodeler who likes to hack iphones. (This is a man I want to meet)

This is it folks. We have infinite access to knowledge and we want to conduct illegal activity, look nice at work and yodel. The yodeling I get. . .

You guys should create your own funny google profiles of the American knowledge seeker and post it in the comments section! We could have all kinds of fun. Nothing too inappropriate please :)