On Muggles, Fear, and Rail Spikes

Last year before I became the (famous) lawyer I am today, I was a law clerk for the local district court. This is a tale from working at that Court. The names have been changed to protect the innocent (but mostly because I don't remember them). I write with the caveat that I had no special knowledge of this case nor did I ever work on it, I simply observed in the court room as we sometimes were allowed to do.

 One day, I was working especially hard on a most difficult case (see this post is already hilarious), when a Judge came down to the basement of the court house where we law clerks are unceremoniously stuffed. (We had no windows to prove it was still daylight outside. We called it the Justice Cave). He explained that his next case was probably going to be entertaining because the defendant had freaked out on a different judge in a different matter.

Apparently, the defendant, who we will call "Melvin" had used all kinds of colorful language to describe the previous judge and she was... less than pleased. I'm pretty sure he was held in contempt and, in all likelihood, he extended his sentence quite a bit. But, for us who had not seen the sun, this sounded like a fantastic break from our usual day of writing and reading, I mean who wouldn't want to see some crazy guy freak out in a court room? What we witnessed that day was more than I could have hoped for.

The defense attorney was the only one in the court room when four law clerks piled into the back to watch what was surely going to be a really bad day for this poor public defender. He knew what we were up to. He looked clearly defeated. He asked us, "Are you guys here for the show?" We explained we were law clerks and part of our job was that we had to opportunity to watch court every once and a while. He said, "Yeah, alright. Well since your here to learn, the theme for my argument today is 'why I should have gone to medical school.'" He was having a rough week. But little did he know his day was going to get a little better later on, but I'll get to that.

 The prosecutor came in and just started chuckling at the defense attorney, but not in a mean way, it was purely sympathetic chuckling. He asked the defense attorney what he had done when Melvin started on his tirade. The public defender replied, "I just kept my head down and pretended like I was taking notes. It was all I could do." The defendant was then brought into the court room. He was a short man. Clean shaven. Not at all what I was expecting from a man who was on trial for criminal threat, because he pointed a knife at someones throat. OH, yeah, "allegedly" pointed a knife. (whew! can't forget that one).

 The the Judge came in, and we all stood. Even Melvin.

 The Prosecution called his first witness, who was the victim. Again, not what I was expecting. The victim, who we will call Bud, was in his late 50's, had a completely gray mullet down half of his back, a creepy mustache, and was wearing a fine brown t-shirt that stated plainly his identity,

 "Muggle."

 (For those of you who aren't nerds that is a non-magical person from Harry Potter.)

 It came out during questioning that they were both homeless and lived outside this third mans home which occasionally would rent the back room to these gentlemen. The landowner had two daughters. (The source of the gentlemen's conflict. See this is almost Shakespearean). Bud had made an inappropriate comment about one of the daughters figure which he unceremoniously repeated, verbatim, to the courtroom. (which was funny in itself because he said, how do I put this delicately ... an then just blurted out the vulgarity).

Bud continued his harrowing story of how Melvin and he had gotten into an argument about the landlord's daughter. Only to pause every once and a while, stare at the Defendant and declare, "WELL THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED MELVIN! I'M SORRY IT COME TO THIS, BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED."

Then we came to the climax of the story.

 Melvin had drawn his knife and stuck it to Bud's throat, in defense of the daughter's dignity!

The prosecutor asked the crucial question in a criminal threat case, "Now, when Melvin had the knife to your throat, were you scared he might stab you?" (this is important because one of the elements of the crime is that he was in fear or apprehension of bodily harm.) (Also, Objection! Leading! Anyone?)

 Bud sits and thinks. He thinks some more. Something about that phrase bothers him. "Was I scared?" he thinks silently to himself.

 He responds to the court room, saving, in his mind, his dignity, "Nah...I wasn't scared." (Insert Perry Mason Gasp) (Well...if Perry Mason defended the three stooges)

 "You weren't scared?"

 "no, ya see, I had a rail spike...in my back pocket. I knew that if Melvin tried to get me, I could, *motions stabbing to the court room* get 'em time." (SERIOUSLY HE MADE A STABBING MOTION IN THE COURT ROOM. Presumably to demonstrate his considerable nimbleness.)

 That's right Topeka, your harmless homeless neighborhood Bud, carries with him a rail-spike, but fear not, its only for defense against Melvin.

Well now that the prosecutions case was shot to hell, the Defense counsel looked down right chipper!

 On his cross examination we heard all about the rail spike and its defensive capabilities. And how it made Bud impervious to fear. Bud was practically a super hero defending the streets from evil with his rail spike by the end of the cross. (maybe that's just in my mind: Bud, who's secret identity is "spike-man"! The silver-mulleted man with a mustache, keeping our streets safe.)

 Now the prosecution called Melvin to the stand. ..whose meandering testimony featured, his favorite drink of choice, Earthquake. (12.5% alcohol per volume for only 2 bucks, they call it a "High Gravity Lager" I think they mean: "high tectonic stress lager" but I won't fault them for mixing metaphors, their target market is homeless people and college students. Markets that, by the way, overlap a lot...)

 Another major issue in the case became why Melvin cussed out the police when they arrested him. The answer was simple to Melvin: they made him put down his taco in order to handcuff him.

 Rude.

 I think this is only explained by the fact that the prosecutor was bored or depressed he was losing or something, but we heard more about that taco than I ever thought possible in a court of law. Made me hungry.

But alas, nothing in Melvin's testimony could save the prosecutions case, not even the taco. (Not to mention Melvin had awareness enough to realize things were going well for him and cussing out the judge was not presently necessary).

The assistant prosecutor ultimately had to motion for a change in the charges. I never learned what happened after that hearing. But I like to think that Bud and Melvin buried the hatchet, (or rail spike, as the case may be) and made amends over a taco and earthquake. Both do not sound too bad right now.

TOPEKA ATTORNEY

On Why Mankind Will Not Survive the Coming Robot Apocalypse

I recently went to Wendy's for lunch.

("How mundane! How ordinary! Why is he telling this story!", the reader thinks to herself <--note how progressive I am for inserting the female pronoun.)

BUT something funny happened! There was a long line! Half of downtown eats at this particular Wendy's so of course, this is not unusual or funny, but be patient! What is interesting about this long line is that it was formed in front of the fountain drink machine as opposed to the cash register. "Why?" You ask yourself, as I did. "Why would there be a longer line in front of the pop machine than in line for ordering?!" The answer to this question is, ultimately, why human kind will lose its impending battle with the machines for dominance on the earth.

This new pop machine had: one dispenser for all drinks and ice, a touch screen to select the type of beverage desired, an additional touch screen for any added flavors and a sarcastic, smug attitude. This complex scheme of touch screens and single dispenser was too much for us, the lunch crowd at Wendy's. We were utterly befuddled.

Below is a word description of the process that was confounding the elite of my fair city. Lest anyone think I am condescending, I gather this sequence from my own personal experience. (E.I. I am dumb too)

"I... why... do I. Where do I get ice? Why is there a computer screen? Oh... ice button."

*pushes Ice Button with meat mitten (or hand in the vernacular)*

"But, uh, where do I get my tasty beverage?!"

"SAME PLACE?!"

"OK back out of ice screen."

"What do I want to drink?"

"Well I want coke, but my pants are tight. Go for diet. But that's embarrassing.... Maybe Coke zero? yes, no one will know I'm a fat ass! Perfect! Select."

I now have the coke zero display up... no... NO! MORE CHOICES... the Coke zero button is surounded by things like "coke zero with cherry, coke zero with Lemon" There are 12 additives for my beverage choice. That's 12 more decisions than I was expecting today. Clearly, way too much pressure. So I hit the center button got my drink and told the next person, "good luck." It was an old lady. That is just mean. She should have just gone for dehydration.

On the bright side, I'm pretty sure if Wendy's had wi-fi I could send an e-mail from the drink machine. (drum strikes for the one liner please)

The real problem is of course the machine designer. He had too much faith in us. We, who are accustomed to simply and lackadaisically presenting our paper cup to an outdated mechanical lever which serendipitously pours things what we wish to imbibe, were not ready for his version of the future. (<--note lack progressiveness with assuming the designer was a man). Instead his vision of a Utopia unlimited drink choices became a dis-topian line of confusion.

A dis-topia where we are bested regularly by machines and optimistic male drink engineers.

TOPEKA ATTORNEY

LIFE MOVES FAST

I moved into a new house, graduated, took and passed the bar and started a new career as an attorney. Not necessarily in that order. Ok pretty close to that order other than the house thing. Being a lawyer in Topeka Kansas has its upside. I don't get overworked. I am 15 minutes from my office. I can walk to the courthouse. But sometimes I think it would be fun to be a big city attorney.

Now that you, dear but in all likelihood fictional reader, are caught up. The real question is have I had any funny things happened to me recently. Nope. not really. There is nothing funny about the bar exam. Except the quiet (and sometimes not so quiet) desperation I felt in the weeks coming up to it. Hideous. Totally Hideous. Yeah that's not funny.

I think maybe I'll write something about halloween. I dressed as superman. (see awesome photo above.)




TOPEKA ATTORNEY

On Quotations

Still waiting on the other accounts of the Run Gabriel Saga. . . soooo here are some quotes from quotationspage.com I found fun.

"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." -- Will Durant

(Someone has been reading some Plato! Mr. Durant is one of my favorite authors. I'm unsure what book this quote comes from. Normally he writes ancient history. I recommend "The Story of Philosophy" to anyone who (like me) has an amateur interest in philosophy). (was that an aside within and aside? (I think it was)).

"The Multitude of Books is making us ignorant." -- Voltaire
(What would you think of Google, sir.)

"The love of truth lies at the root of much humor." -- Robertson Davies

(I unfortunately have to admit ignorance as to who Mr. Davies is. That’s ok. The quote isn't that deep. See "It's funny cause its true." I suppose the link between humor an cynicism has its place somewhere in this thought.)

Feel free to post a favorite quote of your own below and why you like it. OOOORRR If you’re feeling mean you can post your least favorite quote you've seen on someone’s facebook page. (no need to share who your making fun of, unless your wish to publicly declare war on them, although that might be more fun.)

Like Matt Patton could say, "my least favorite quote is on Kyle Myers' (a friend of mine) Wall. It says, 'If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.' - Conan O'brien. I don't like it because Kyle's an alcoholic."

Wow, seriously Matt. That was really judgmental of you. Why don't you get off you high horse and go help inner city kids at some kind of camp like thing. Jerk.

I recently took a Kant quote off my facebook page because it was there out of pure pretention. (Is pretention a word? Yes it seems so, it is the act of being pretentious. (see how unpretentious it was of me to ask whether pretention was a proper form of pretentious? This post has layers.) Here's another quote for you. "Verbing weirds language." -- Calvin and Hobbes)

And here's a link!: KANSAS LAWYER

Finals Totally Eclipses My Heart...

This video simultaneously freaks me out and makes me laugh.



Yeah. That just happened.

TOPEKA AUTO ACCIDENT ATTORNEY

No new posts for a while

I probably won't post anything more until after finals. So coming soon: awesome report on why finals are bad for the human soul.

TOPEKA AUTO ACCIDENT ATTORNEY

Matthew's Account

Don ‘t Drink and Drive or You Might End up in Mike’s Blog

While driving back from a wonderful evening at odooley’s pub, me bobbing my head to Rufus Wainwrite in a very masculine manner, Greyson and I came across a concerning sight at 21st and Wanamaker. The SUV of our friend James Porter had been rear ended by an old sedan with sharp, boxy edges. Immediately the driver of the sedan opened his door and literally fell out of his driver’s seat onto his face on the concrete. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen such a dramatic gesture of drunkenness. Kyle (the backseat passanger of the assailed vehicle) in his desire to see state law satisfied and this vagrant come to justice dialed the authorities with slightly impaired motor function. Upon becoming aware of the imminent arrival of the authorities, the drunken man crawled back into his driver’s seat. He was going to try to drive off. I really wish that this post could capture the sound of this poor man’s attempt at speech. Sadly you’ll just have to make due with, “oooov, uhhhh neeeee to go hoooo.” Kyle with great authority stood in the path of the driver with his hand outstretched.

Within minutes the police arrived. “What happened here?” The Officer asked.
“Well officer, let me explain.” replied Kyle. “My friend J. P., while we were driving back from odooley’s ,got rear ended by this drunk guy…I’ll be honest with you officer I’m a little drunk…I’ve had 4...or maybe 6 drinks. One of them was a Belfast which admittedly hits me a little hard, but I wasn’t driving. As I said my friend was driving…” (before Kyle could offer up any more impertinent and incriminating information he was interrupted.

“So you weren’t involved in the accident?” said the officer. “No.”Kyle replied. The police officer walked past Kyle to get the account from the drivers.
After this amusing display, I looked over to see Gabe(the passenger of J.P.’s SUV)bouncing and crossing his legs intermittently. “Guys, I’ve really got to pee.”Gabe said.

“Well go on the Hardies building.” Replied Kyle.

“I don’t want to go with the cop standing right there.”

“He’s busy, he’ll never notice.”

“Fine.”
While Gabe was going over to the hardies building at a very brisk pace, Kyle yelled out. “RUN GABE.” The police officer swung his maglight over to where Gabe was standing in the middle of the street with his legs Crossed.

“Hey, where are you going” the officer yelled.

“I’ve really got to Pee!” replied Gabe.

After much deliberation the police officer said. “Fine, hurry back.”
This scene finally ended with the drunken man getting in the backseat of the police cruiser in handcuffs. That image alone will be reason enough for me never to try to drink and drive.

Note from Mike: Thanks for the post Matt, Apparently the plan is to author 4 different accounts of this story from the other participants. Consider them the “4 Gospels of the Run Gabriel Saga.” Blasphemy you ask? Not at all. It’s an apologetic. To demonstrate how 4 tales of the same events can bring out different details. None are wrong, they just differ from perspective.

TOPEKA PERSONAL INJURY LAWYER