Saturday was going to be a rather lazy day. It was supposed to snow/ice so I wasnt planning on going anywhere. Liz was working in Wichita, so Joey (who just got a promotion) was going to come over and we were going to play some Wii and generally chill out. About an hour into our Wii extravaganza. My wife called and said she had been in an accident, that she was fine and then hung up on me... Ok. Well I'm glad she's ok but the use of hanging up as a use of tension was not necessary. I felt sufficiently tense. After calling back she said, "I'm getting into a Red F-150 here's the license plate number." She then told me the number using the phenetic alphabet for the letters. "TENGO TENGO BRAVO 956!" (yeah I married an army brat)I was confused. I replied,
"what?"
Liz:"TTB TTB!Quickly! TENGO TENGO BRAVO 956!!!"
Me: "uh, ok. got it. I think. . . Why am I writing this down again?"
Liz: "Just in case they take me. You can find me."
Me: "huh. good thinkin. Do they look like they are going to take you?"
"gotta go"
click.
(sigh)"My wife's been taken."
About 5 minutes later she called back and told me the car (which happened to be my car) wasn't starting and she would need me to come pick her up. I was pretty confused/freaked out so I was already half way out the door ready to track down a red f-150 who was selling my wife into the slave trade. She also told me she was about 30 miles south of Topeka (an important detail) and asked me for the AAA info. After driving too fast in the poor weather and turning around in one of those breaks in the median that your not supposed to turn around on, I arrived at the scene of the accident. Liz got out of the F-150, thanked her captors and stepped into our Taurus. (Very kind of the slave traders to let her go. Also the nicest looking slave trader ever. Looked like a grandma.) I made the trek through the thick mixture of grass mud and ice to my car which she had wrecked.
The 2002 Nissan Altima vaguely reminded me of the car Harry and Ron had lost to the forbiden forest in the 2nd Harry Potter book. Half frozen grass and mud was hanging all around the bottom of the vehicle. The front grill was stuffed with mudd and the entire left side of the car was spattered as well. The tail pipe was roughly gagged with the muddy mixture (which was the reason for vehicle not starting).
A police officer arrived on the scene to help. He asked whether I had been following her I said no, I had just arrived. He asked me how I got there so fast. I thought the better question was what took him so long. (possibly in cahoots with the red f-150 slave traders). After we cleared the tail pipe of the icy mixture the car started relatively easily. After rocking the car back and fourth we managed to get the car dislodged from its position of post-mobility. (during which the police officer kept reaching his arm in my car in order to turn the stearing wheel while I was driving. I appriciated his help, however, I felt that this was a good way for him to become one with the mud.)
After we got the car "unstuck" we stood basically on a hill with the trench in between me and getting the car back on the highway. I became very aware of how sharp the drop off is from the shoulder to the grass. The police officer gave me instructions:
"Now what your gonna wanna do is go forward on this hill and gain some speed so you dont get stuck in the trench then, when your past the trench, drive parallel to the shoulder for a ways and try to get up to 35 mph. Otherwise you won't be able to pop back onto the highway. But make sure you dont take to long because theres that bridge up there and I don't wanna half to fish you outa that creak."
Huh. Fair Point. Ok. I gave it a go. Made it past the trench ok but ran into a problem on the stretch for which to gain speed for the "pop" back onto the highway. The car couldn't get past about 25 miles per hour in the muddy-ice-grass. But the bridge was coming on fast so I went for it. I made it over! But not without severly scraping the undercarriage of my car. (sigh) oh well it had grass hanging down from it anyway. I followed Elizabeth back to Topeka. She drove about 50 miles an hour. Understandable. We made it as far as my parents house and we parked my car there. A day later we returned to the car. On the bright side it started. On the down side we can't shift it out of park. (sigh)
TOPEKA ATTORNEY
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
On the Criminal Mastermind Lee Douglas
Sorry if you've heard this story 1000 times but I couldn't think of anything else to write this week/month.
Some years ago (Second semester of my Freshman year at OCU) I had a brush with the law. Yes, its true. Mild mannered law student by day, accomplice (ok more like witness) to a devious criminal by night (For the record I have never been accused or convicted of any misdemeanor or felony). A friend of mine was arrested in my presence and later convicted of possession of a firearm and discharging said fire arm within the City limits of the quiet town of Edmond Oklahoma.
Here is the back-story. It was a nice spring day and a few of my friends and I decided it would be a lovely day to go hang out at a park near campus. In this park was a pond. In this pond were ducks. (This will be important shortly.)After hanging out for a hour or so my friend Doug Daniels had the idea to pull out his Red Rider BB gun from his car and mess around. You know the kind. It comes in a box labeled ages 12 and up. (Apparently it should say, 12 and up minus freshmen in college). Now I completely understand that this was one of the dumbest things we could have possibly participated in, but what happens next was beyond what I expected.
After shooting at various signs and trees, Doug and the rest of us were a bit tired and all sat on a hill about 30 to 50 feet away from the pond. If you know anything about a Red Rider BB gun, you know that this is the very limit of the "weapon's" range. So Doug was arching shots at about a 45 degree angle in order to get the BB's to reach the pond. The general goal was to hit the ducks swimming in the pond. I will note for all you animal lovers that Doug did not hit one duck and am supremely confidant that if he had, the duck would not have noticed because the angle of the arch needed to reach the pond was such that there could not have been much velocity left. (Even if we have been at point blank range I doubt the bb gun could do any serious damage but that would just seem cruel).
After complementing Doug on a rather close shot I look to my right and saw a Police officer running toward us with his gun drawn! I told Doug he had a rather urgent need to put the bb gun down. The police officer repeated this request but in a more colorful way. The young officer yelled, "Freeze! Pecker head!" (a phrase I hope he uses often) Doug immediately tossed the rifle to the ground and put his hands up. The officer proceeded to efficiently and a bit roughly turn Doug around face down on the ground a cuff him. Now at this point we were all pretty scared beyond the belief of our innocent upbringing. But I figured we would get chewed out and the bb gun would be taken away. Worst case scenario, I thought Doug would be issued a hefty ticket. However, the officer told us we all needed to leave and we watched over our shoulders as our friend was read his rights and put in the back of the squad car.
We were stunned. We had no idea what to do. After we got back to campus Reece's phone rang (Reece was Doug's roommate) Doug told us what the bail was and gave us all the information we needed to tell his parents. None of us had enough money to bail our friend out of jail so Reece called Doug's parents and let them know what was going on. They lived in Texas and were not very pleased with the situation. They decided they would drive up the next day to post bail. So knowing our friend was going to spend the night in jail we did the only thing we could do. We went to Wall-mart and bought him a plastic butt donut. We also asked if they had any congratulatory cards for friends getting out jail. They did not. (untapped market for any of you enterprising minds)
Later that night we were sitting wide eyed in Doug and Reece's Dorm room debating whether Doug was tough enough to withstand a night in Jail. When my roommate called me and told me to quickly turn on the television and watch NBC's local news station. The lead story. Lee Douglas. The duck slayer. The smug field reporter was on location at the park. He began. "Duck season is months away but one sharp shooter couldn't wait." He preceded to tell the sorted tail with apparently made up details. "Lee Douglas a student at a local university took a pellet gun and stood in this general area" (It was not that general area.) "and shot at the ducks swimming unsuspectingly in the pond. The local community is outraged." It cut to a lady and a her son who were at the park, and clearly had just been told about the incident from the anchor man. She stated, "I don't know why anyone would want to hurt the ducks. We just come here and feed the duck krispy cream donuts" (Krispy Cream donuts?! only in Edmond Oklahoma.) I ask you dear reader who is the criminal master mind here? The man who he passively tries to shoot ducks unsuccessfully or the women who tries to fatten those ducks up with expensive donuts who clearly means to return later to make Fois Gras. (a fancy duck dish comprised of a duck who has been overly fed)
Anyway, I digress. To sum up: Worst news report ever.
Doug returned to us the next day. I will note he did not need the butt donut. The judge who was first assigned to his case was quoted as saying, "this could be the next timothy McVeigh." This is in Oklahoma mind you. Doug's lawyer shrewdly was able to change judges. The new judge laughed at the case on the bench and said time served. Ducks will never be safe again.
TOPEKA ATTORNEY
Some years ago (Second semester of my Freshman year at OCU) I had a brush with the law. Yes, its true. Mild mannered law student by day, accomplice (ok more like witness) to a devious criminal by night (For the record I have never been accused or convicted of any misdemeanor or felony). A friend of mine was arrested in my presence and later convicted of possession of a firearm and discharging said fire arm within the City limits of the quiet town of Edmond Oklahoma.
Here is the back-story. It was a nice spring day and a few of my friends and I decided it would be a lovely day to go hang out at a park near campus. In this park was a pond. In this pond were ducks. (This will be important shortly.)After hanging out for a hour or so my friend Doug Daniels had the idea to pull out his Red Rider BB gun from his car and mess around. You know the kind. It comes in a box labeled ages 12 and up. (Apparently it should say, 12 and up minus freshmen in college). Now I completely understand that this was one of the dumbest things we could have possibly participated in, but what happens next was beyond what I expected.
After shooting at various signs and trees, Doug and the rest of us were a bit tired and all sat on a hill about 30 to 50 feet away from the pond. If you know anything about a Red Rider BB gun, you know that this is the very limit of the "weapon's" range. So Doug was arching shots at about a 45 degree angle in order to get the BB's to reach the pond. The general goal was to hit the ducks swimming in the pond. I will note for all you animal lovers that Doug did not hit one duck and am supremely confidant that if he had, the duck would not have noticed because the angle of the arch needed to reach the pond was such that there could not have been much velocity left. (Even if we have been at point blank range I doubt the bb gun could do any serious damage but that would just seem cruel).
After complementing Doug on a rather close shot I look to my right and saw a Police officer running toward us with his gun drawn! I told Doug he had a rather urgent need to put the bb gun down. The police officer repeated this request but in a more colorful way. The young officer yelled, "Freeze! Pecker head!" (a phrase I hope he uses often) Doug immediately tossed the rifle to the ground and put his hands up. The officer proceeded to efficiently and a bit roughly turn Doug around face down on the ground a cuff him. Now at this point we were all pretty scared beyond the belief of our innocent upbringing. But I figured we would get chewed out and the bb gun would be taken away. Worst case scenario, I thought Doug would be issued a hefty ticket. However, the officer told us we all needed to leave and we watched over our shoulders as our friend was read his rights and put in the back of the squad car.
We were stunned. We had no idea what to do. After we got back to campus Reece's phone rang (Reece was Doug's roommate) Doug told us what the bail was and gave us all the information we needed to tell his parents. None of us had enough money to bail our friend out of jail so Reece called Doug's parents and let them know what was going on. They lived in Texas and were not very pleased with the situation. They decided they would drive up the next day to post bail. So knowing our friend was going to spend the night in jail we did the only thing we could do. We went to Wall-mart and bought him a plastic butt donut. We also asked if they had any congratulatory cards for friends getting out jail. They did not. (untapped market for any of you enterprising minds)
Later that night we were sitting wide eyed in Doug and Reece's Dorm room debating whether Doug was tough enough to withstand a night in Jail. When my roommate called me and told me to quickly turn on the television and watch NBC's local news station. The lead story. Lee Douglas. The duck slayer. The smug field reporter was on location at the park. He began. "Duck season is months away but one sharp shooter couldn't wait." He preceded to tell the sorted tail with apparently made up details. "Lee Douglas a student at a local university took a pellet gun and stood in this general area" (It was not that general area.) "and shot at the ducks swimming unsuspectingly in the pond. The local community is outraged." It cut to a lady and a her son who were at the park, and clearly had just been told about the incident from the anchor man. She stated, "I don't know why anyone would want to hurt the ducks. We just come here and feed the duck krispy cream donuts" (Krispy Cream donuts?! only in Edmond Oklahoma.) I ask you dear reader who is the criminal master mind here? The man who he passively tries to shoot ducks unsuccessfully or the women who tries to fatten those ducks up with expensive donuts who clearly means to return later to make Fois Gras. (a fancy duck dish comprised of a duck who has been overly fed)
Anyway, I digress. To sum up: Worst news report ever.
Doug returned to us the next day. I will note he did not need the butt donut. The judge who was first assigned to his case was quoted as saying, "this could be the next timothy McVeigh." This is in Oklahoma mind you. Doug's lawyer shrewdly was able to change judges. The new judge laughed at the case on the bench and said time served. Ducks will never be safe again.
TOPEKA ATTORNEY
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
On Harry Potter
After graduating from Oklahoma Christian University a few friends of mine decided to take up the sport of golf. We thought we had entered into a new world of the elite. Young, soon to be rich (or so we hoped) and full of care free joy. Golf represented a quest to sell out as quickly as possible. The old cliche says, Pride goes before the fall (is that in the Bible? I probably shouldn't call it a cliche if its in the Bible.)
My "fall" occurred on an auspicious day when I triumphantly returned to Oklahoma and my then 5 month old pass time, golf. That cool fall morning Elizabeth had gone shopping with her friend while Reece and I, who were perhaps a bit hung over, decided on a refreshing 9 holes to start our day (he had moved into an apartment complex that had its own golf course). The full 9 holes would not be played that day.
The 3rd hole brought no unusual occurrences at first. I drove well, down the center (ok that's a little unusual) and Reeces ball landed somewhat to the left. I was toward the end of the fairway and didn't have far too go before I hit onto the green. There was, of course, one obstacle that I had foreseen and one that I had not. The obstacle I was aware of and worried about was the water that flowed lazily between me and par. The unthought of obstacle was the cart path that lay just about a foot in front of my ball. A ball, I might add, that was quite hard. I swung my club with neanderthal strength. It connected with the Ball. Instantaneously, a flash bomb went off in my head.
Totally and utterly confused I saw Reece running toward me repeatedly yelling, "are you ok? are you ok?"
I replied, "My head hurts a little bit." (understatement is fun even when you have a concussion).
I felt the place where ball had made contact. I pulled my hand back to see that it was now covered in blood. I looked down at the ground there was splatter. The hot liquid continued to run down my face. Reece asked if I was going to pass out. I didn't think so. But I was pretty confused. I told him I didn't have health insurance (so much for the wealth). We covered my bloody head with my shirt (which incidental had Arabic writing on it from a Model Arab League competition I had once attended) We found my Ball it had cleared the Water. That's right. The ball had struck the corner of the cart path, bounced up, struck my forehead and went across the hazard only to land in the rough to the right of the green. I still have the scar on my forehead. It defiantly declares without my permission, "golf is not my sport." But on the bright side I can dress up like a giant Harry Potter for Halloween.
TOPEKA ATTORNEY
My "fall" occurred on an auspicious day when I triumphantly returned to Oklahoma and my then 5 month old pass time, golf. That cool fall morning Elizabeth had gone shopping with her friend while Reece and I, who were perhaps a bit hung over, decided on a refreshing 9 holes to start our day (he had moved into an apartment complex that had its own golf course). The full 9 holes would not be played that day.
The 3rd hole brought no unusual occurrences at first. I drove well, down the center (ok that's a little unusual) and Reeces ball landed somewhat to the left. I was toward the end of the fairway and didn't have far too go before I hit onto the green. There was, of course, one obstacle that I had foreseen and one that I had not. The obstacle I was aware of and worried about was the water that flowed lazily between me and par. The unthought of obstacle was the cart path that lay just about a foot in front of my ball. A ball, I might add, that was quite hard. I swung my club with neanderthal strength. It connected with the Ball. Instantaneously, a flash bomb went off in my head.
Totally and utterly confused I saw Reece running toward me repeatedly yelling, "are you ok? are you ok?"
I replied, "My head hurts a little bit." (understatement is fun even when you have a concussion).
I felt the place where ball had made contact. I pulled my hand back to see that it was now covered in blood. I looked down at the ground there was splatter. The hot liquid continued to run down my face. Reece asked if I was going to pass out. I didn't think so. But I was pretty confused. I told him I didn't have health insurance (so much for the wealth). We covered my bloody head with my shirt (which incidental had Arabic writing on it from a Model Arab League competition I had once attended) We found my Ball it had cleared the Water. That's right. The ball had struck the corner of the cart path, bounced up, struck my forehead and went across the hazard only to land in the rough to the right of the green. I still have the scar on my forehead. It defiantly declares without my permission, "golf is not my sport." But on the bright side I can dress up like a giant Harry Potter for Halloween.
TOPEKA ATTORNEY
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Upon losing all faith in humanity
Recently I was stopped at a red light with Elizabeth. At the intersection there was quite a bit of construction so that the lane to my right was closed. This presented a mild difficulty for the people turning left onto the road which I was traveling on. Apparently so much so that instead of turning into the correct place they actually turned in the turn lane going in the opposite direction. Whats amazing is that they didn't actually realize there mistake until they were face to face with an oncoming car and nowhere to turn because to their left were cones and to their right was torn up concrete. Beyond that torn up concrete (and just a single lane further to their right) was the correct westbound lane. What is particularly amazing to me about this is that not 1 but 2 other cars followed the first guy into the incorrect lane. This is about when I discovered that humans are lemmings. I really wish I could have witnessed how this situation resolved itself but alas my light was green and I too had to blindly follow the car in front of me. My leader did not go off any cliffs (continuing with the lemming metaphor) but he did have a delightful bumper sticker which stated plainly and defiantly, "what the f*ck are you looking at."
(sigh)
Now I haven't actually lost all faith in humanity. But really. Not a great showing lately guys. (lets segway into a pep talk for humanity)... just kidding... but seriously. Maybe something like, "lets get out there and shows those condescending squirrels what we've got. With their judgmental little eyes and their tree top homes. Well we have it pretty good too squirrels . . . heh (indecipherable grumbles) squirrels . . . . "
This post has taken a turn for the weird and with that I am done.
TOPEKA ATTORNEY
CHARACTER EDUCATION KANSAS
(sigh)
Now I haven't actually lost all faith in humanity. But really. Not a great showing lately guys. (lets segway into a pep talk for humanity)... just kidding... but seriously. Maybe something like, "lets get out there and shows those condescending squirrels what we've got. With their judgmental little eyes and their tree top homes. Well we have it pretty good too squirrels . . . heh (indecipherable grumbles) squirrels . . . . "
This post has taken a turn for the weird and with that I am done.
TOPEKA ATTORNEY
CHARACTER EDUCATION KANSAS
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Another Vintage Post
I couldn't think of anything very funny to write so here is an old post from the old blog.
Wendy's Drive Through
After I got off work the other day I was quite hungry so before I headed over to the hotel which my mom and little bro were (they were stopping in for the night on their way back from enrollment at Baylor) I went across the street to Wendy's. I ordered, casually, a number 6 combo meal. (thats the spicy chicken sandwich and it is Delish!) The total came to 5 dollars and 30 cents (the numbers are rounded to protect the innocent and because I don't remember exactly how much it was accept that it was over 25 cents which is part of my story so I will continue) anyway when I pulled up to the first window where you pay, (because just one window to pay and recieve your food is just to much for me to handle) I handed the cashier, who was a long haired freckaled faced boy of about 17 years of age, a 5 dollar bill and 50 cents, However the freckaled one dropped my fifty cents! I was about the open my car door to try and retrieve the lost coinage when he said:
"Wait! I'll Get It!!!"
I was a little puzzled at his respose because he was in the building and me being outside.
But then he proceded to crawl outside the drive through window! And as he landed inbetween the ediface and my car (which he was uncomfortably close to by the way) he plainly stated:
"Its Magic!"
He dissapeared for a moment and remerged triumphantly with only one of the quarters and held it up proudly to show me and crawled back inside the wendy's. I was to surprised by the entire situation to object when he told me I was short a few cents and I just retrieved and few more coins from my pocket and proceded to the next window.
TOPEKA ATTORNEY
CHARACTER EDUCATION KANSAS
Wendy's Drive Through
After I got off work the other day I was quite hungry so before I headed over to the hotel which my mom and little bro were (they were stopping in for the night on their way back from enrollment at Baylor) I went across the street to Wendy's. I ordered, casually, a number 6 combo meal. (thats the spicy chicken sandwich and it is Delish!) The total came to 5 dollars and 30 cents (the numbers are rounded to protect the innocent and because I don't remember exactly how much it was accept that it was over 25 cents which is part of my story so I will continue) anyway when I pulled up to the first window where you pay, (because just one window to pay and recieve your food is just to much for me to handle) I handed the cashier, who was a long haired freckaled faced boy of about 17 years of age, a 5 dollar bill and 50 cents, However the freckaled one dropped my fifty cents! I was about the open my car door to try and retrieve the lost coinage when he said:
"Wait! I'll Get It!!!"
I was a little puzzled at his respose because he was in the building and me being outside.
But then he proceded to crawl outside the drive through window! And as he landed inbetween the ediface and my car (which he was uncomfortably close to by the way) he plainly stated:
"Its Magic!"
He dissapeared for a moment and remerged triumphantly with only one of the quarters and held it up proudly to show me and crawled back inside the wendy's. I was to surprised by the entire situation to object when he told me I was short a few cents and I just retrieved and few more coins from my pocket and proceded to the next window.
TOPEKA ATTORNEY
CHARACTER EDUCATION KANSAS
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Have you met Matt?
It's been brought to my attention that I bear certain similarities to the character Marshall on the TV program "How I Met Your Mother." This guy has been with his now wife since freshmen year of college, is a law student (or was at the beginning of the show), is 6'4" and is generally hilarious much like myself (ok Jason Segal is alot more funny than me.)
As a result I have watched several episodes of the show and enjoyed them thoroughly. And has actually resulted in a humorous situation in real life which I will now relate to you dear reader. (who is in all probability only Elizabeth). About a week ago Liz was out of town so I went down to Manhattan to hang out with my brother Matt and some other friends. We went to a bar to grab a few drinks. Matt mentioned that there were a two girls he found attractive. I told him that he should go talk to them. We discussed the best way for his approach but we couldn't decide. Clearly, I had to take matters into my own hands. So as they walked by I tapped one on the shoulder and said, "have you met Matt?" Matt acted cool and was all like, "what? what's with this guy." and ended up talking to them for a while. I ducked out and went and sat at a table. (You might now be wondering how this relates to How I met your Mother. well if you don't know I'm not gonna help you. I know its bad story telling but that's how its going.) A few minutes later Matt came over to our table and we asked if he had gotten their number. He hadn't. We gave him a pretty hard time but before we left he remedied the situation.
Good job Matt. You made me so proud.
TOPEKA LAWYER
CHARACTER EDUCATION KANSAS
As a result I have watched several episodes of the show and enjoyed them thoroughly. And has actually resulted in a humorous situation in real life which I will now relate to you dear reader. (who is in all probability only Elizabeth). About a week ago Liz was out of town so I went down to Manhattan to hang out with my brother Matt and some other friends. We went to a bar to grab a few drinks. Matt mentioned that there were a two girls he found attractive. I told him that he should go talk to them. We discussed the best way for his approach but we couldn't decide. Clearly, I had to take matters into my own hands. So as they walked by I tapped one on the shoulder and said, "have you met Matt?" Matt acted cool and was all like, "what? what's with this guy." and ended up talking to them for a while. I ducked out and went and sat at a table. (You might now be wondering how this relates to How I met your Mother. well if you don't know I'm not gonna help you. I know its bad story telling but that's how its going.) A few minutes later Matt came over to our table and we asked if he had gotten their number. He hadn't. We gave him a pretty hard time but before we left he remedied the situation.
Good job Matt. You made me so proud.
TOPEKA LAWYER
CHARACTER EDUCATION KANSAS
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
On the television
I recently saw a show with my wife on the cable tv network VH1. This show is known as "Tool Academy". If you haven't seen this show let me sum it up for you. Its Jerry Springer meets Survivor. Crazy people are getting voted off the show. When the "tool" gets kicked off the show the host says, "I'm sorry your just a tool." This is pretty funny to me. And clearly is the pay off for watching a show in which its fueled by hatred for all the contestants on the show. YES I spent 30 minutes watching idiots and then at the end one of them is called a TOOL! One thing thats been nice is that watching it with my wife has some advantages. Next to these guys not only do I look like a genius, I am also the nicest guy in the world. I have never over turned tables and tackled people for... (well im not quite sure why that guy did those things.)All and all its pretty much a total waste of time. Which leads me to my next question. WHY AM I WATCHING IT!!! I cannot really answer that question. I don't even have that much free time (being in law school and all) but I have seen parts of several episodes. The only good thing about watching it is then I get the jokes the Soup (another tv show) makes about it. (sigh) TV wastes my life. I should probably spend all my time complaining about it on the computer...
CHARACTER EDUCATION KANSAS
TOPEKA LAWYER
CHARACTER EDUCATION KANSAS
TOPEKA LAWYER
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